The Not So Uncanny Deadpool
by w00tmaster93
Summary: Nobody likes Deadpool, he kills people, he's mean to his blind best friend, and his knowledge that he is a fictional character makes everyone think he's crazy. But is he really that bad of a guy, this story will take you inside his mind. AU.
1. Deadpool Dies?

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

Living Through the 4th Wall

(Part 1 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

"Hi, my name is Roberto Herald and I'm here at what is the worst car accident in history, a truck full of explosives crashed into a truck full of fireworks just 15 minutes ago." the newscaster said in front of well, the worst car accident in history. "Also in the air, a private jet crashed into a helicopter and landed of the 2 trucks. But it wasn't all bad news. The only man who died was the fireworks truck driver. His name was Wade Wilson an infamous mercenary known for the deaths of countless innocents, paramedics didn't bother taking him out of the truck claiming that he smells funny and frankly, no one wants to bother saving a mercenary the government didn't think was alive anymore." I knew I should've never been a fireworks truck driver. It's hard to see from my mask sometimes.

I was lying in the truck on the brink of death, my belts broke so I couldn't get out, and I couldn't reach the door. Just then I saw this really hot woman reaching towards me, she was dressed in black and had a skeleton hand. "Ooh, ooh, let me guess who you are! Umm…the Easter bunny! Yay, my parents didn't lie to me who are real! w00t!" I said.

"I'm not the Easter bunny, Deadpool. My name is Death." she replied.

"I can't die, I have a healing factor!" I said.

"Sorry, you're healing factor leaves you after a certain number of years…now just stay calm in a few moments you'll be dead."

"How come no one's saving me?"

"No one wants to save an assassin."

"I do!" And suddenly I was dead. From a visual standpoint, I was on a planet staring off into space. Death was right next to me. "So, I'm dead?"

"Yup…except there's been a small problem." Death said.

"What?"

"It seems you are the main character of this story. Main characters can't die in the first chapter."

"Sweet, I'm the main character again! I have my own comic book!"

"Actually you just have a story on category?"

"X-men." Death said.

"Evolution? Movies?" I asked.

"No, you're in the comics section."

"I guess that makes sense. Me and the X-men go way back, me and Wolverine are tight. Is he going to be in this story?"

"Maybe later, right now he's kind of the poster boy for everything Marvel does right now."

So, if you know everything, am I going to be resurrected like every other dead comic book character ever?"

"Yes you will return, but only if you return as a good person…or else you're going to Hell." Death said

"I think I heard that same exact plot somewhere else before." I pointed out.

"Shhhhhhhh, you don't want to get sued, do you?" she asked.

"No."

"Now, before you return, I could take out the implants in your mind that makes you live through the fourth wall, if that's what you would want."

"Wait, what?"

"Living through the fourth wall means that you are aware you are a fiction character."

"Why wouldn't I want that?" I asked.

"It makes you sound crazy."

"Without my craziness, then I'll only be known for as a guy who runs around in a costume that looks like Spider-man's."

"I always wondered why you wear that costume. Anyway, ready to go back to Earth."

"Will I ever see you again?" I asked.

"I-" she started.

"Never mind, I don't really care if I see you anyway."

"Just for that, I'm going to push you back to Earth." Death said and she pushed me back down to Earth and landed in a dumpster somewhere in Manhattan."

"Son of a word-I-don't-think-I'm-allowed to-say, she really did push me." I said to myself. I climbed out of the dumpster and walked around asking random people if I was allowed to say "bitch". They usually responded by saying, "Get away from me you freak"

Later as I was walking to my apartment, I heard a woman scream, "He has my purse! Somebody stop him!"

"That's weird, the only place I've ever seen purses getting stolen is on TV, never a fan fiction." Then I remembered I was supposed to do good things. The guy who stole the purse had dark glasses and looked confused.

"I lost my seeing-eye dog, I need help." the guy said. "I think this is his leash." he said, pointing to the purse. He was blind, that means easier to take down. I pulled out one of my guns.

"Freeze scumbag!" I said, pointing the gun at the blind guy.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Likely story." I said sarcastically and tackled the blind man, I pointed my gun to his head when he was on the ground. "You have one of two options, pal: you return the purse and I blow your brains out or you don't return the purse and I blow your brains out." This was fun.

"I don't have very good options." The blind guy said.

The purse's owner walked by and took back the purse. "Lay off of him." she said to me. "He's blind."

"So? He's still a criminal." I pointed out.

"No, he's just confused, jerk." she said.

I turned my attention to the blind guy. "Ok pal, since you didn't choose either option I guess I won't blow your brains out. What's your name?"

"Al." The blind guy said.

"I like you Al." I said.

"Why?"

"Because you have the balls to stand up to my gun."

"Wait, you really had a gun?" he asked.

"Look, Blind Al if you ever need help hiding purses, your welcome to come to my apartment." I gave him a piece of paper with my apartment number on it.

"But I can't read." he said.

"Then you probably shouldn't have dropped out of school."

"But I didn't drop out."

"Nobody asked for your opinion you dumbass. Now come on, I'm going to drop you off at this crack house until you learn your lesson." I left Blind Al off at a crack house.

I walked in, "I want you junkies to take care of my friend." I said. "But if you don't, it's no big loss."

"Hey, why don't you stay here for a little bit?" A junkie said to me.

"No, the only thing that gets me high is Jesus…and smoking pop rocks." I said as I left. When I walked into my apartment, I saw Death standing by my couch. "Death, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"That was a terrible thing you did to Al." she said.

"But it was funny!" I said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a dream where I'm romantically involved with one of the Golden Girls."

"No you don't." Death said. "You're going to save Al, bring him home and do good deeds for the rest of the night and if you don't you're going to Hell by sunrise."

"Wow that sucks." I said

"Deadpool, this is going to be the longest night of your life."


	2. Blind Abuse

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

Living Through the 4th Wall

(Part 2 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

Somewhere deep in Manhattan, a young teenager gives about 100 dollars to buy a fake ID from a shady guy in a shady alley. Little do they know that I'm watching them…I am Deadpool and I punish those who do bad things for my own benefit, so I don't go to Hell by sunrise.

"Here you go kid, your fake ID, your name is Frederick McGee." she fake ID salesman says to the kid.

"Sweet," the kid says upon receiving the ID. "Now I can buy beer and get me and my friends wasted!"

"No one gets wasted tonight Frederick," I emerge from the shadows with a gun pointed at the kid. "Except for maybe me, if there's time."

"Who are you?" the kid asks.

"I'm Deadpool, I punish those who do bad things." I reply.

"All he did was buy a fake ID," the salesman says. "That's no reason to shoot him."

"Shut up." I say. "I don't tell you how to do your job! Well actually, I think you need a better laminating machine that ID is kind of peeling."

"Look Deadpool, I'll give the ID back, just please don't shoot." The kid says.

"I don't take mercy from criminals. Who do you think I am? A good person?" I

shoot the kid in the shoulder.

5 seconds later: I start running. I take Blind Al out from the dumpster I hid him in. He's been following me ever since I got him out of the crack house. We're both running now while the salesman is calling for an ambulance.

"What happened?" Blind Al asks me.

"Shut up and keep running!" I yell back. About 2 hours later I forget about that incident, it was not one of my better ideas. I stumble upon a building on fire, I shove Blind Al in a trash can and run to the building. It was an apartment. A woman outside was screaming.

"My baby's still in there!" she yelled.

"What about the father?" I asked.

"I don't know? He left me pregnant…hey you look familiar." she said.

"Ummm….no I don't." I said. "Anyway, I'm going to save your baby."

"Why?"

"It's a long story." I ran up to the apartment. The woman turned to one of the firefighters putting out the fire.

"Help! A maniac's going to steal my baby!" she yelled to him. Meanwhile, I was in the burning apartment, nothing in my arsenal could help me, I learned that when I tried shooting the fire and challenging it to a swordfight. I found the baby and took it in my arms. I went into a nearby window and started to dangle the baby.

"Hey lady, catch your baby!" I said down to the mother.

"Are you crazy? You're on the seventh story!" she yelled back to me.

"No, this is my first story!" I yelled back. I teleported back down and gave the woman her baby. I looked up back at the fire, then at the woman.

"This isn't my baby!" she said to me.

"I'm not going back in that building if that's what you're implying." I said as I walked away. "That is your problem, not mine." As I walked away from the apartment I saw a very familiar jet fly by and land on a nearby rooftop. I teleported up the building. Four of the X-men walked out of the jet, Cyclops, Storm, Phoenix, and Wolverine.

"Ok everybody, spread out and look for Pyro." Cyclops said to his team.

"Does that include me?" I asked.

"Oh great, it's Deadpool." Phoenix said. "And no, that doesn't include you."

"Hey what's so bad about me anyway?" I asked. "Do I smell bad?"

"Yeah, for starters." Wolverine said. "You also have tried to kill us a bunch of times."

"Yeah, sorry about that." I said. "Hey Wolverine, how's it going being Marvel's poster boy?"

"I don't even know what that means?" Wolverine said.

"That's because he don't live through the 4th wall." I pointed out.

"You're crazy," Wolverine said.

"Wolverine, that is a very rude thing to say." Storm said.

"Trust me Storm, you don't know him…he is crazy." Cyclops said.

"Look, I may be crazy but I think I'm good now." I said. "I just saved a baby from a fire."

"And then you gave that baby to the wrong mother." Phoenix said.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"I'm physic." she replied.

"Guys, let's just leave Deadpool alone at find Pyro." Cyclops said. "He started the fire."

"Then I'm going to take his life." I said.

"No Deadpool, we only plan to hand him over to the proper authorities." Storm said.

"So he can break out and star more fires?" I asked. "Man, you guys just go in an endless cycle of fighting bad guys huh?"

"Deadpool, I suggest you go and do more good deeds. You don't want to go to Hell, do you?" Phoenix asked.

"Jeez, will you stay out of my head, Jean?" I asked. "Fine, I'll go. I don't want to be with you losers anyway. Oh yeah, and for getting in my head Jean, I think that an insult has been called for: you're getting fat."

"Deadpool, don't you remember that Jean has a temper?" Scott asked.

Phoenix's eyes got red and she started to get surrounded in fire. "You have disturbed the Phoenix Force! You will pay for that comment." Suddenly a bright flash came over me and the next thing I knew, I was flying through the air…then I started falling.

"CRAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!" I yelled and teleported to the ground before I hit the pavement. Phoenix scares me. I found Blind Al in the trash can and he told me he heard some mobsters talking about illegal arms dealing.

"I think you should stop them." Blind Al said.

I replied, "Stop them? Hell no…I'm going to blow their brains out."


	3. Irony Hurts More Than The Bullet

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

Living Through the 4th Wall

(Part 3 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

"You know what you have to do Weasel, just make those weapons and get out of our sight." Somewhere in a warehouse, some mobsters were going to be smuggling illegal weapons but the guy who makes the weapons didn't make the weapons. His mane was Weasel and he was being forced to make said weapons.

"But I can't make the weapons, you never gave me enough technology." Weasel says the crime lord.

"You work with what you got Weasel." The crime lord grabbed Weasel in a chokehold. Just as he seemed doomed to go into hard labor (working, not giving birth…but that would be funny) I come in, my name is Deadpool.

"Once, just once I would like a chapter to start with me delivering the first line." I say, busting into the warehouse.

"Who the hell are you?" The crime lord asks me.

"Me? I'm your not-so friendly neighborhood Deadpool, and you're all under arrest but since I'm not a cop, I'm just going to blow all your brains out." I say.

"Get him, boys!" The crime lord orders his fellow mobsters to take out their weapons and attack me.

I count the weapons. "Guns, chains, bombs, is that all you got?" I ask and suddenly I'm jumping through the air pulling the triggers of my guns so fast that the mobsters don't even get a chance to breathe. After only the few seconds, everyone in the whole room is dead, except for Weasel.

"Oh my God, please Mr. Deadpool don't kill me!" He pleads with me.

"How did I not shoot you?" I asked.

"I was hiding under a desk." He replies. "Please, I'll give you anything you want; I'll make more weapons for you…just please don't kill me."

"Jeez, am I really that scary?"

"Well, you do have a lot of weapons and you just killed twenty-seven mobsters in less than six seconds."

"Oh man, my record is forty-five in less than three seconds."

"How did you get so fast?"

"Genetic engineering, I guess."

"Those mobsters worked for my father, when he died I received his job of making weapons for these goons, you sort-of saved me from them, my name is Weasel." Weasel was small, pale, scrawny, and nerdy.

"I don't have a father, I was a test tube baby…but the test failed. Do you have a house Weasel?"

"I have an apartment."

"Can I move in?"

"What? I don't even know you."

"So? Look, I need a place to stay, I'm getting evicted next month because I can't pay rent."

"I guess you could stay, you did save my life."

"Can Blind Al live there too?"

"Who's Blind Al?"

"This blind dude I found on the street…I think he's in a dumpster now." I told Weasel my mission about getting out of going to Hell and he promised he'd help me. We walked around until we found Blind Al and we stopped by Weasel's apartment. But I couldn't stay because I had to do some good things to do.

Weasel gave me a weapon before I left. "Here Deadpool, this is a device I made a few years ago that should help you on your mission." Weasel gave me a small disk. "If you push the button, it opens a portal that transports matter back to this area."

"Yeah, thanks." I left. I tried out the device by putting a bomb in a portal. I wanted to see if Weasel and Blind Al could find it before it goes off. I mean, you need friends who can handle a situation like that. If they can't, they aren't real friends.

It was 2 a.m., I had about four hours until I had to go to Hell. I had a stop in mind…the X-mansion. You see, Phoenix brutally attacked me last chapter, what if they hurt other people, I had to stop them. The only problem was that I was in Manhattan while those spoiled X-kids were living it up in Westchester. I decided to go on the subway. Remember kids, subways are dangerous places after midnight. Except this time, it was just me and a sleeping hobo. He looked so peaceful sleeping, and I was so tired. I needed sleep. I needed to dream of the golden girls.

I was loading one of my guns and apparently it made enough sound to wake the sleeping hobo. He looked at me, got up and said, "Get out of my house."

"Your house? This is a subway." I asked.

"You come to my house with weapons, are you asking for a fight?" He asked.

"Sorry, I'm just going to assassinate the X-men, and then maybe less people will write fan fictions about them." I said. "Also, Wolverine is overrated."

"I didn't understand I word you just said, but If you want a fight," the hobo started.

"I don't want to fight!" I said.

"Then get out of my house!" The hobo pulled out a gun from under his seat and shot me in the arm.

Everything was going dark, but I had to survive. "Ow!" I yelled. "I can't die again! After shooting so many people, I get shot!? The irony hurts more than the bullet! Wait, no it doesn't. All I wanted to do was kill students and their teachers…was that so much to ask!?"


	4. Guest Starring The XLosers

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

Living Through the 4th Wall

(Part 4 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

"Stupid Deadpool, leaving a bomb in my house. I barely even know him." Weasel was mumbling to himself while he was working on some crap in his apartment.

Just then, I come in the apartment using the matter transporter to get myself there. I was just shot by a hobo and know I'm running out of time before the sun rises and I have to go to Hell.

"Weasel!" I yell at him. "I need you to treat my gun wound I was shot by a hobo! And I thought I said I wanted chapters to begin with a scene involving me! This is my story not Weasels! No one would read a Weasel story!"

"Shut up with your crazy ramblings!" Weasel replies. "You sent a bomb to my house! I had to throw it out the window!"

"Whatever! Just heal me you stupid nerd!" I yell. Weasel treats my wound. It takes 35 minutes, a huge waste of time. "Thanks Weasel!"

"Deadpool, you don't have to yell anymore." Weasel said.

"Hey, I have to get to Westchester to beat up the X-men. Can I borrow your car?" I ask him.

"Normally I'd say no way because you'd probably blow it up. But since you're beating up mutants, you can borrow it but only because I hate mutants." Weasel said.

"Do you hate humans too? I was going to take the car anyway, I stole your keys." Then I left Weasel and drove to Westchester. Then I infiltrated the X-mansion. I teleported in there, not sure what room I would end up in. I ended up in a dorm room.

"You like my wallpaper, bub?" Obviously I woke up whoever's room I just busted into…it had to be Wolverine.

"Oh hi Logan. I just came in here to kill you and your little group of mutant terrorists." I said.

Wolverine turned on his lights. "Well, if that's what you're going to do…I'm not goin' out without a fight."

"Hmm…I actually thought that you wear footy-pajamas to bed. I guess I was wrong. Anyway the correct word is 'going' not 'goin''. Microsoft Word says that 'goin'' isn't a word."

"Yeeargh!" Wolverine tried to slash at me but I dodged. Then he kneed me in the gut and punched me in the arm, the same arm I got shot at. That means it hurt extra bad.

"Not so tough without your healin' factor are ya Deadpool?" he asked.

"What do you think? Also…" I stabbed him with a sword and shoved a grenade in his mouth. "The correct words are 'you and 'healing' not 'ya' and healin'', stupid!" BOOM!!!

The grenade went off in Wolverine's mouth, blowing up the wall of his room and launching him on the backyard. "Ok, you've got to admit that that was cool, Wolverine." I said, watching the front of his body heal back after the explosion. I jumped down and we continued to fight. "Come on Wolverine, I don't have time to fight you all night, why don't you just die already?"

"I don't die." he replied. I noticed he was avoiding stabbing me with his claws.

"Why aren't you trying to gut me?" I asked while shooting him a couple times.

"Because you won't survive being gutted."

"Wow, you're a big man."

"If I tried to gut you, you'd be dead by now."

"I guess becoming an X-man has taken away all of your bloodlust. What if I want a challenge?"

"You think death is a challenge?"

"No, I just know I'm a betting fighter than you, but you're not bad."

"Let's see about that." Wolverine lunged at me, ready to stab me. Just then, I opened a portal back to Weasel's apartment that he fell into. Now Wolverine was Weasel's and Blind Al's problem, not mine.

"Where is he?" I heard a voice come from behind me.

I looked behind me, "Oh crap." It seems that the X-men were there. There was the boring leader guy named Cyclops. There was the crazy girl named Phoenix. There was the all-power no-personality member named Storm. There was the untouchable sexbomb named Rogue. The guy who really shouldn't be popular but is member named Gambit. And then there was no one's favorite member Iceman.

"Deadpool, what have you done with Wolverine?" Cyclops asked.

"That's weird, I would have though that more Claremont-created characters would come and attack me." I said.

"Don't change the subject, you crazy weirdo." Phoenix said.

"Whatever, I could take you all on in a fight. I've fought all of you before, I know your weaknesses." I said.

"Ok team, fight him working on instinct, do the unexpected!" Cyclops ordered them.

"What're you going to do, Cyclops?" I asked. "You only have one power!" I teleported in front of Cyclops and grabbed his visor and then hit Rogue with it.

"That was a cheap shot!" Rogue said. Cyclops was covering his eyes with his hands, knocked out of action.

"Go ahead and drain my powers Rogue, the only problem is that I have no flesh showing in my costume!" I said.

"Then how about I burn your ass!" Rogue said. She used some fire power to light my ass on fire.

"Where did you get fire powers?" I asked.

"I held on to another mutant too long." She said.

"Screw that." I replied with a kick in her face. I set out the fire on my butt and now I had a hole in my costume…great.

"Need to be cooled off, dude?" Iceman asked, threatening to freeze me.

"Iceman, all you do is make jokes about your dumb ice powers! No wonder no one likes you!" I threw a grenade at him. His ice armor absorbed most of the blast but he still got knocked out.

Before he fell over he said, "That wasn't cool, dude." Then he became unconscious.

"Just in case you didn't know mon ami, my name is Gambit and here's my card." Gambit threw a charged up playing card at me which I easily dodged.

"All you X-losers do is make up crappy one-liners. No wonder society hates mutants." I ran towards Gambit. "And as for you Remy, don't you have a fan fiction to be in where you discover love with Rogue? You know the one's everyone writes." I punched him in the face. "That's for you having more stories than me!"

"Crap! That hurt!" Gambit said.

"Spoken like a true Cajun." I replied.

"That's it, this ends know!" Phoenix flew down towards me.

"Finally." I pointed a gun at her.

"Are you really going to shoot me?" she asked.

"I don't know. If you die I know you're going to come back to life somehow." I said.

I shot her…she stopped the bullet with her mind and dropped it to the ground. "Deadpool, you aren't going to win this fight."

"Somehow, I knew that." I peed my pants.

To Be Continued.


	5. OMG CLIFFHANGER!

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

Living Through the 4th Wall

(Part 5 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

"I'm only going to ask you one more time Deadpool, where is Wolverine?" Phoenix asked me after my incredibly short fight with the X-men where I made fun of their one-liners and powers. I had sent Wolverine to Weasel's house just as he was about to pounce on me. I quickly thought of a snappy comeback to Phoenix in my mind.

"And I'm only going to ask you one more time Jean, aren't you supposed to be dead now?" I said.

"Deadpool, I don't think that was a good reply." Storm said. Jean's eyes got red and her body was covered in flames.

"Good call Storm." I replied as I stood back anticipating my death at the hands of a moody supposed-to-be-dead mutant.

"You're going to burn in hell, Deadpool! Not just for possibly killing Wolverine but for calling me fat earlier tonight." Jean yelled but as I was about to call her skinny she stopped. So did Storm and Prof. X rolled out on his wheelchair on the lawn and approached me.

"I didn't know you could stop time." I said to him.

"I can't but I can stop people's minds temporarily so they don't burn you." he replied. I saw Jean floating in the air not moving.

"Cool…but do you know what would be cooler? If you got tricked out rims for your wheelchair." I said. He looked at me coldly. "I'm in trouble aren't I?"

"Yes but I have read your mind. It seems you have misjudged my X-men solely on the actions of one student." he said to me, looking at Jean Grey.

"Yeah, a really moody student."

"Give her a break, she's going through a hard time…she's possessed with a cosmic entity. Now we need to talk, it seems you are trying to cheat death and not go to hell…am I correct?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"I want to help you, I can see the good in your soul. You just have to embrace it and you can truly be a hero.

"Umm…I'm a bad guy. I kill people for fun."

"Deadpool, you aren't a bad person, you're just a misguided tortured soul."

"And crazy, don't forget crazy."

"My students aren't terrorists Deadpool, they are just confused and trying to find their place in the world, killing them will get you to hell. I could help you cheat death if you perform a mission."

"Does it involve killing people?"

"No, you have to negotiate with a mutant named Robert Hunter. He was recently fired from his office job and he's now holding the workers hostage in Manhattan. They've been there all night."

"What are his powers?"

"He can explode and reform at will. His explosions have a radius of 8 miles. You may be able to relate to his suffering…please don't kill him just talk to him." Prof. X gave me the directions telepathically.

"Thanks for telling me about this Xavier."

"Deadpool, I could give you therapy and rehabilitation after this mission and help you with your problem if you return here."

"I thought I was trying to avoid hell." I teleported into weasel's car and left that crazy mutant place. The sun was about to rise I didn't have time to stop back at Weasel's and feed poison to Blind Al, maybe in another chapter.

A little while later I was at the office where the exploding man was…my god I was tired.

"Please Robert, listen to me," a man at the office tried to reason with Robert, who had a gun for some reason.

"Shut up!" Robert said and he pistol whipped the guy. "I don't care what you have to #$#$ing say to me! You #$#$ing fired me! I want to talk to those idiot cops outside." Cops were outside so I teleported in because they wouldn't let me walk.

"Hey exploding man, don't you have a 'Heroes' set to visit?" I asked.

"How the hell are you?" Robert asked.

"I'm Deadpool."

"What's a Deadpool?"

"The guy who's about to cheat death." I didn't care what Prof. X told me, I was going to kill this guy. I pulled out a gun and fired the trigger but nothing happened, I was out of ammo. "Oh crap."

"Whatever." Robert fired his gun at me with a few shots but a dodged them easily. "You're good…what the hell do you want?"

"I have to save these hostages."

"That's lame."

"You have a hole in your costume." A woman said to me. The hole was on my ass because Rogue set it on fire last chapter.

"Yeah I know lady. Now would you kindly shut up?" I said. "Look Robert maybe you weren't suited for this job, y'know? You could be a guy who gives fake IDs out or you could be an X-men villain with your powers or maybe umm…I don't know."

"Are you trying to negotiate with me?" Robert asked.

"…yeah."

"Wow, no one's ever given a crap about me and now you come along and talk to me and you give me advice…wow." What have I gotten myself into? For about two hours he kept talking on and on about his manly feelings. "My mother never did give me that pony…..they kids always made fun of me because I was tall…..I got laughed at when I accidentally called the teacher 'mom'…..grandpa hated me, my uncles hated me…..my sister was always the one people cared about…..I got white hair at an early age and people made fun of that……I didn't stop wetting my bed until I was twenty, that was why my girlfriend left me. She said she didn't want urine on her pajamas when we slept together….Marv was being a huge jerk one day and I couldn't take it anymore so I punched him and I..." He was talking on and on and on while his hostages fell asleep.

I noticed the sun was rising. So I said "Robert, shut the hell up, the sun is rising I'm not going to hell! I stopped an exploding man!"

"Wait what are you talking about?" Robert asked. I told Robert about my story. "So you don't care about me? You just want to be alive again?"

"Yeah, actually I don't care about your feelings…well I better get home, thanks for not exploding."

"All this time I thought I had a friend but he didn't care. He did #$#$ing care about me!" he said.

"Wait dude don't explode on me…please! No!" I pulled out a sword and impaled that guy.

"Wrong move, moron." Robert's eyes got red and with his last ounce of strength he went boom. I went with my first instinct and teleported me and Robert away a nanosecond before he exploded…not exactly sure where I would end up.

Next Chapter: OMG CLIFFHANGER! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DEADPOOL!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!


	6. This Looks Like a Job for Pantsless Man

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

Living Through the 4th Wall

(Part 6 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

That is stupid and this was stupid. By "that was stupid" I mean the ending to last chapter where w00tmaster93 consistently said "OMG CLIFFHANGER!" that was so stupid. And by "this is stupid" I mean the beginning of this chapter where we realize that I teleported the exploding Robert Hunter into the air…killing myself in the process. If I was avoiding dieing why would I sacrifice my life for that? I think the answer is quite clear…it's w00tmaster93's fault. Anyway back to the story, I teleported Robert 8 miles in the air right before he exploded and the sun was rising so now apparently I'm dead.

Why? I guess it was my first instinct to save those people in Robert's building. Could it be that there's good in my soul? I guess as w00tmaster93 would say, OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

"Deadpool…" a voice from the darkness said to me…it was Death.

"Oh great, it's you again." I replied.

"Do you know how many people who've saved tonight?"

"Umm…a lot?"

"More than the people who've killed."

"Does that mean…"

"No, you aren't going to hell. It seems that you aren't good enough for heaven but aren't bad enough for hell. It seems the only way to go is granting you immortality."

"Can I have my healing factor back?"

"Umm…you have to have a healing factor or else you won't be immortal so I guess so, yeah."

"Cool."

"I can't believe you died again though."

"I can believe it. I'm a comic book character. Speaking of dead guys, how's Robert?"

"He's dead. No one can survive an 8 mile drop."

"That'll show him for killing Capt. Marvel and then causing Civil War that brought back Capt. Marvel for some reason."

"Wrong continuity Deadpool."

"Man, nothing cool ever happens in my continuity."

"Deadpool, are you ready to go back to your earth…it's a bright new morning full of opportunities."

"Like killing people."

"Damn it Deadpool! Haven't you learned anything from last night?"

"Yeah, judging by her attitude Jean Grey must like it nasty."

"You disgust me. You know the real reason I granted you immortality is that I'll never have to see you again. Bye, you disgusting killing machine."

The next second, I was in my bed and I just woke up. "Was that a dream? Only one way to find out I guess." I took out a gun from my dresser, put it into my mouth and pulled the trigger. I didn't die so it wasn't a dream. I ran out of my apartment and started yelling "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! I'm going to live to kill again!" People on the street were staring at me, probably because I was only wearing underwear and my body is horribly scarred. I went up to a lady and said. "I'm not dead and here I though t that I was going to die because I made fun of w00tmaster93's writing!"

"Put on some pants you freak!" She yelled.

"Good idea." I ran back to my apartment.

About an hour later I stopped by Weasel's apartment. "Deadpool?" Weasel asked as I busted in.

"Crap! Weasel, I was going to say a snappy line to indicate that I arrived before you said my name." I said.

"Sorry." Weasel said.

"Hey, where's Wolverine? I sent him here a while ago." I asked.

"He's in my room, I gave him sleeping pills because he scared me."

"Where's Blind Al? I asked.

"I'm right here." Blind Al came into the room, with a gun.

"Blind Al, is that a gun?" I asked.

"Yeah…it is." He fired it. Instead of a bullet a sign that said "BANG!" came out. "Weasel, did I get him?"

"Yeah you shoot Deadpool good Blind Al, shot him good." Weasel said.

"Good, now I'm going to get some rest." Blind Al walked back to his room.

"He's a riot." I said to Weasel about Blind Al.

"Blind Al's a girl." Weasel said.

"…that's disgusting." I said. "She really hates me doesn't she?"

"When she told me she was going to shoot you I replaced her gun with that gag one." Weasel said.

"Whatever, I' going to go outside, there's nothing to do here."

"You could drive Wolverine home."

"There's nothing to do here." I was walking around town until I ran into Spider-man fighting this guy in a Rhino costume.

"Nothing stops the Rhino, especially not a spider!" The Rhino guy said. I guess he was a rhino.

"Oh come on Rhino, we both know that I can kick your butt 8 times a week." Spider-man said. Despite his bragging, he wasn't doing so well, Rhino was winning the fight.

"Hmmm…everyone already knows the not-so milled mannered Deadpool I need a disguise if I want to join in on this fight." I ripped of my pants, remembering what that woman said this morning. "This looks like a job for pants-less man!"

"What the hell?" Spider-man asked when he saw me.

"What's up loser? I'm pants-less man!" I said.

"Not even a guy with no pants can stop the Rhino!" Rhino yelled.

"Dude, talking in the 3rd person really isn't increasing your street cred." I said. "And I'm not just a pants-less man. I'm a pants-less man armed to the wazoo with explosives." I threw a lot of bombs at Rhino but that didn't stop him.

"You're an idiot! That won't stop him." Spider-man said.

"Than what will stop him, those dinky webs of yours?" I asked.

"Actually, yeah." Spider-man fired all his webs at Rhino until he finally got caught in them. "Rhino, you need to change your catchphrase." Just then the police came.

"Freeze, it's the police!" One of them said and he started firing his gun at me and Spider-man but he grabbed me and web-swung onto a nearby rooftop so we would be safe.

"That was close." Spider-man said and then he turned to me. "So are you looking to get work in the not-so rewarding field of super-heroics?"

"No, I just felt inclined to help people, I think something is wrong with me today." I said.

"Well if you are going to be a hero you have to remember that with great power comes great responsibility." He said that as he swung away. I thought about that for a while. I went through a life changing experience last night. Should I be a good guy as pants-less man or a guy who kills people as Deadpool who goes by the motto "with great firepower comes a great need to kill people for fun"? Hmm….

That night, a teenager and a shady guy are talking into an alley. "Ok kid, your new name is Harold Stranger, here is your fake ID." The shady guy gives the kid a fake ID.

"Cool, now I can buy beer and get wasted!" the kid says. But just then I come out of the darkness with a gun.

"No! It can't be!" The shady guy recognizes me.

"Yes! It can be!" I emerge and shoot the kid with my gun. "Deadpool's back, bitch!"

Next: The Typeface saga.


	7. Cheesy and Delicious

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

The Typeface Saga

(Part 1 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

If you just asked yourself: "who the hell is Typeface?" then congratulations, you've never heard of an obscure z-list Spider-man villain who recently died in Marvel continuity by getting thrown into a bus by a much cooler Spider-man villain. OMG run-on sentence! Typeface used you throw alphabet letters at Spider-man, really sharp letters…like, he had a "P" that was also a sword. I recently met up with a Typeface and after a long series of events, I am stuck onto a brick wall in a dark alley with a "P" stabbed through my neck and four "C"s pinning my arms and feet to the same wall. It was Typeface's "P"s and "C"s.

It all started when I was walking through Weasel's kitchen. It was two weeks since I got into that truck accident, Wolverine went back home, the X-men don't see me much anymore, Blind Al came to terms with the fact she can't kill me, and I had a new addiction….Cheesy Puffs. I went to the kitchen to eat more of Weasel's Cheesy Puffs. I went up to the cabinet and when I opened it I realized that the Cheesy Puffs were gone.

That's when I realized that whoever took the Cheesy Puffs was going to die. Weasel was in his room working on a stun gun…while eating the bag of Cheesy Puffs. I knew it was him, he didn't know I was in his room, I slowly approached him. I took out a butcher knife from my utility belt.

Weasel was mumbling to himself, like he always does. "I like Cheesy Puffs. They warm my soul with cheesy goodness. I'm enjoying this so much." I was watching him stuff his face and warm his pathetic soul with Cheesy Puffs, it was torture. "Ooh, the last one." Weasel took the Cheesy Puff and slowly put it in his mouth.

"You monster!" I yelled. Weasel turned around and screamed. He saw the butcher knife. He got up and dropped the Cheesy Puff. I reached for it, so did he…so I gutted him with the knife and he fell over.

"Deadpool!" Weasel yelled as I grabbed the Cheesy Puff. "Call 911…please."

"I'm not going to get my self busted!" I said.

"Please, drop the Cheesy Puff. I need an ambulance…now!" Weasel's voice was weakening. I weighed in my options. I could call an ambulance because Weasel was my friend and he's always been there for me or I could eat the Cheesy Puff because it was cheesy and delicious. "Deadpool please…after all I've done for you…save me."

"What about all that stuff you didn't do?" I asked. Just then Blind al came into the room. I ate the Cheesy Puff.

"I heard a scream!" She said. "What happened?"

"Deadpool stabbed-" Weasel began but I put my hand over his mouth before he could finish his sentence.

"Deadpool stabbed what?" Blind Al asked.

"You, if you don't shut up!" I said. "Now I need you to call an ambulance, Weasel's hurt."

"You do care about me Deadpool." Weasel said.

"Do you want me to stab you again?" I asked.

"No sir." Weasel said.

"Look, I can't face the cops so I'm leaving forever." I said. Then I teleported away….and then I teleported back. "I also suggest you never use the toilet again guys. I did some stuff to it I'm not exactly proud of."

"You're not allowed back." Weasel said.

"Whatever." I teleported away.

I didn't know where to go. I felt kind of bad about leaving Weasel and Blind Al but my ADD distracted me from that. I guess the first thing I wanted to do was to go back to that subway where the hobo shot me a while back. I learned that the hobo wasn't so bad…after I pistol whipped him a couple of times. We had a lot in common…we were both crazy.

"Hey Deadpool, I'm sorry for shooting you before, I just can't help protecting my house." The hobo said to me as we were lying on parallel seats on the subway car. No one else was there.

"Yeah, I recently left the place I was staying at." I said.

"Why?"

"I stabbed a guy who ate the last bag of Cheesy Puffs."

"Yeah, those things are cheesy and delicious." I was remembering how good they were, my mouth was drooling in my mouth. I needed another bag and more money.

"Hey hobo, what's a good way to get money?" I asked.

"Rob a bank. That's how I got this sweet house." The hobo said. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The next day I went to the bank. "Give me all the money you need to buy a bag of Cheesy Puffs! And don't try to put a paint can in there!" I told the bank teller lady. It was really easy robbing a bank with all the sweet weapons I had…but even those couldn't help me against the person who wanted me to stop robbing the bank.

"Pants-less man? What are you doing robbing a bank?" Spider-man was standing by the doorway talking to me. "Well you better stop or I'm going to have to fight you. And no one ever wins when I fight them."

"You want a fight? Then bring it on Tobey Maguire. Bring it on!" I said.

Next: Deadpool fights Tobey Maguire…I mean Spider-man.


	8. Deadpool vs Tobey Maguire

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

The Typeface Saga

(Part 2 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

There are few things in the world that I resent doing...this was one of them. I was getting beaten to a pulp by Spider-man on the New York City skyline. I tried to convince him to stop fighting me. "Come on Tobey, why are you fighting me?" I asked. "Remember that team-up we had against the Rhino?"

"You mean the same Rhino who I could beat up with my eyes closed?" Spider-man said. "And who the heck is Tobey Maguire?" Spider-man punched me down onto the top of building.

"Heh, you're funny. You're so child-friendly that you can't even say 'hell'." I said. "Loser."

Spider-man came down onto the building. "Go to hell!" he punched me in the jaw.

"That's better." It was hard fighting this guy, he moved so fast that I didn't have time to take my weapons out.

"Jesus Pants-less man, I've been fighting you for a while now and you still won't stay down!" Spider-man said to me.

I teleported behind Spider-man and jabbed him in the back. "I have a healing factor…" I punched him on the head and turned him around. "And my name is DEADPOOL!" Then I kicked him in his Spider-balls. "That should slow you down."

I took out a grenade and bit off the pin. "NO!" Spider-man said. He knocked the grenade out of my hand and off the building. "NO!" After seeing that the grenade was going to blow up on the people below, he grabbed it with a web. The grenade blew up in the web cradle. "Deadpool! If you ever do anything like that again-" Spider-man looked around, I wasn't there. "Deadpool, where did you go!?"

"Above you, moron!" I teleported to a near-by construction site. I picked up a spare girder. "All I wanted were CHEESY PUFFS!" I threw the girder at him, but I dislocated my shoulder in the process.

"Why do I always have fights near construction sites?" Spider-man jumped over the girder put it fell off the building, he jumped down so he could catch it. Meanwhile, from where I was standing, I could see someone on the ground eating a bag of Cheesy Puffs.

"Oh my god!" I jumped down to the guy.

"Mmmm, these Cheesy Puffs are cheesy and…umm…what's the word I'm looking for?" The fat guy eating the bag was saying to himself.

"How about 'delicious'?" I suggested as I was falling towards him with two guns in my hand. The guy was screaming at me. When I landed I told him, "Give me those Cheesy Puffs! You're fat enough!"

The guy was still screaming when he was running away. "They're mine! Get your own!" I was about to run after him but a voice stopped me.

"Hey Deadpool!" a voice said from behind me. I turned around, it was Spider-man carrying that girder I threw at him. "How dare you try to hurt innocent people!"

"Yeah, without innocent people you wouldn't be the million-dollar franchise you are now." I said. "You're going on three movies and I haven't even gotten an animated series yet."

"Shut up!" he said as he threw the girder at me. "And what kind of nom de guerre is Deadpool anyway?"

"What the hell is a 'nom de guerre'?" I asked. The girder was crushing my wind pipe. "And could you please move this girder?" A little while later I was in a web cocoon hanging from a building while Spider-man was taunting me.

"Why would you rob a bank anyway?" he asked.

"I wanted to buy Cheesy Puffs…they were at the place I was staying at." I said.

"You aren't living there anymore?"

"No, I left after I stabbed the apartment's owner."

"Oh my god."

"Hey are you just going to leave me here until the cops come?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, I've met Spider-man and the X-men. Who's going to fight me next, Superman and Batman?"

"Why are you talking about fictional comic characters?"

"I wouldn't be talking if I were you."

"Well goodbye crazy." Spider-man swung away.

"What a douche."

"You're preaching to the choir, man." A voice came from the dark alleyway. I guy with big hair and letter-shaped weapons came out of the darkness. He cut me down from the cocoon.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm a friend. I think we would both want the same thing right now." he said. "The demise of Spider-man."

"No, I want better things…not loser dreams." I said.

"I'll give you Cheesy Puffs."

"I'm listening."

"They call me…TYPEFACE!"

Next: Deadpool and Typeface…together at last!


	9. Ponies and Vombies But Not Really

I didn't create these characters, Marvel did. So blame them.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

The Typeface Saga

(Part 3 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

So for some reason I couldn't remember I was teaching Typeface how to fight at our base…an alley in the city. "Hey Typeface, why are all your weapons shaped like weapons?" I asked.

"I have a deep love for vocabulary." he replied.

"Why?"

"If you think about it, the world would be nothing without letters."

"Same goes for air, water, food, blood,"

"Ok, I get it. Look, I'm not the coolest guy and I'm not the best fighter and everyone laughs at me and they don't pay attention to what I say. I mean Spider-man fought me once and insulted me the whole time. He's so mean and I want to kill him. I mean it's just I wake up everyday and I ask myself: why are people like that on the streets? Some say I've become obsessed. First of I just wanted revenge on the police force because they fired me when I said that we should use letter weapons to fight criminals. They said I was a loser and fired me. When I tried to get revenge on them, Spider-man came and beat me up. Then I wanted to get revenge on Spider-man, my life became so obsessed that my girlfriend left me, I lost my other job, my parents disowned me. My life was just a downward spiral. And then I saw you…with real weapons and fighting skills that I could never afford. I need you to help me."

"Wait, what? I wasn't paying attention." I said "I was looking at a pigeon." Typeface started crying.

"Nobody likes me!" Typeface was sobbing.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU CRY!" I yelled at him. "Only women and babies cry!"

"Are you sexist against women?" he asked.

"Every woman I ever met tried to kill me." I said. "Or change me…like that'll ever work. But the point I'm trying to make is that you aren't going to get anywhere by sitting here crying."

"Deadpool, you're standing on top of a homeless man!" he said to me.

"I know perfectly well what I'm standing on!" I said.

"I lllikkkke yyyoooou're faccceee miistterrr Jemmmmimahhhh." The crazy I was standing on said to me.

"Bless your soul, you crazy hobo!" I said back to him.

"Maybe this was a mistake." Typeface said.

"You haven't even begun to regret your decisions, Mr. Face!" I said. "Come on, we're going to a rooftop!" I dragged Typeface to the top of a building. "Typeface, I'm going to train you to beat Mr. Spider and in return you help me win the 5th grade spelling bee!"

"Deadpool, I promised you Cheesy Puffs, remember?" Typeface asked.

"What the hell are Cheesy Puffs?" I asked.

"They're cheesy snake puffs."

"Sorry, my memory isn't so good since I ate that guys brains." I said.

"You ate a man's brain?"

"I was hungry. And it was so soft and supple….brain. Cheesy Puffs. Brain. Cheesy Puffs. Brain. Cheesy Puffs. Brain. I like…"

"Deadpool?"

"BRAINS!" I took a bite onto Typeface's skull.

"DEADPOOL!" My teeth really sunk deep into that's mans skull. He was stumbling…until he finally fell off the building with me still attached to his head. "DEADPOOL!" We were free falling. "DEADPOOL!"

"Idiot! Idiot!" I tried to reach for my teleporter belt but something was blocking it. "No! I'm being man-handled!" Typeface was grabbing my groin…hard! "Get your hand off of there!"

"SORRY!" Typeface took his hand off. I teleported us to the ground. "What the hell was that for?"

"Just in case you come into contact with a zombie." I said. "I can't believe you grabbed my little Deadpools. No wonder you haven't been ultimatized." Then I remembered that my ultimazation robbed me of my fourth wall breaking.

"That's it, I'm out. This is stupid and you aren't teaching me crap!" Typeface said.

"Ok, I'll teach you. Now before you walk, you have to crawl." I said. "Get on all fours."

"Deadpool, I know how to walk."

"Get on all fours or I'll shoot you!"

"Yes sir!" he got on all fours and I sat on top of him. "What're you doing?"

"Be my pony!"

"What?"

"Trot around the city while I ride you!" I was riding around on Typeface. "Say 'neigh'!"

"Neigh."

"With more passion!"

"NEIGH!"

"Go faster!" Typeface went faster.

"You aren't as good as a pony as Weasel was." My pony lead me into a warehouse so he could rest and I could feed him grain. But the only problem was that there were armed gunmen in the warehouse.

"Hey, that's the guy who killed most of our men and stole Weasel!" One of the gunmen said. Remember chapter 3? The only difference now was that there were more of them and were more heavily armed.

"How did you guys know that?" I asked.

"You left one guy alive." the mobster replied.

I turned to Typeface. "First test Pony, fight off armed mobsters."

Next: Typeface is doomed.


	10. Reader Discretion is Probably Advised

Look at me I'm breaking copyright laws by not having a disclaimer! No wait, that's not good…I didn't create these characters, Marvel did…but I could have.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

The Typeface Saga

(Part 4 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

I hate Typeface. He betrayed me, but that's another story for later. He's also freaking annoying. I can't believe I have a six-chapter story arc with him. Granted he only appears in four and a sixteenth of those six chapters but still it's more than he deserves. I could have had a team-up with a girl but they're afraid of me (or am I afraid of them? I forgot). All the DC guys have team-ups with girls and half of them aren't even legal. And I don't care who was created first, Deathstroke is still a complete rip off of me. I mean come on…his name is SLADE WILSON! Ok…he was created first. But Wade is still a cooler name. God I wish I was a DC character.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, me and Typeface were being held at gunpoint by some armed mobsters who I stole Weasel from. "Hmm, I was wondering when this would come back to bite me in the ass." I said.

"Deadpool, I'm scared." Typeface said.

"Deadpool, prepare to die you crazy assassin!" The mobster leader said.

"I think the term 'crazy assassin' is a double-entendre." I said.

"Deadpool, do you know what a double-entendre is?" Typeface asked.

"I like throwing words around." I replied.

"Take them out!" The mobster leader said and all of them fired at me as Typeface hid behind me.

I screamed and screamed and screamed until all the bullets were fired. "Ha! Was that your best?" I asked as my healing factor kicked into gear.

"Actually we have fifty more boxes with machine guns in them." The mobster said.

"Typeface?" I asked behind me.

"Yes, Deadpool?" Typeface asked.

"Throw the letter 'C' 127 degrees at the wall to your left." I said.

"Thank God I brought my protractor." Typeface threw the 'C' at the wall and we watched it ricochet from person to person and wall to wall decapitating and slicing the mobster's heads in half until they were all dead. Kids, don't feel bad I mean they're only fictional characters. "Your death has been brought to you by the letter 'C'." Typeface said.

"Get a better catchphrase." I said.

"What'ch you talking about Deadpool?"

"That's better. Now let me put my saddle on you, Pony." I rid Typeface all throughout the night. He decided that he wanted to be taught by me after that awesome stunt I told him to do with the letter 'C'.

"Hey Deadpool, its 3 a.m. I think I need sleep." Typeface said.

"Warriors don't sleep."

"But you sleep."

"Did I ever say that I was a warrior?"

"Can I sleep?"

"No, but I can. I'm going to the subway. Later Typeface."

"But how will I find you?"

"I said I'll be in the subway." So I took off and went to the subway station where I settled in the car that had that homeless guy I gave brain damage to by pistol whipping. I had dreams about things I don't think I'm allowed to say. But I woke up when I heard an explosion. "What the hell?" I got up. There was a big hole on one of the ends of the subway car.

"Oh man…my house!" The homeless guy said. "I knew I should have gotten insurance. Who did this?"

"Behind you, you moron!" Some guy in a weird costume said behind us. He kicked the hobo out of the moving car.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I saw you fighting Spider-man today. I did my research and I know you're Deadpool! And I am Spider-man's arch-nemesis!" The guy said.

"Who still uses the words 'arch-nemesis'?" I asked.

"I do! I am the Green Goblin!"

"Who?"

"What? How do you not know me? I threw Spider-man's girlfriend of a freaking bridge!"

"Sorry, I don't follow Spider-man history. I'm more of a DC guy Hey wait, you're Willem Dafoe."

"What?"

"You played the villain in the first Spider-man movie. You looked like the green Power Ranger. Hey, how was Tobey Maguire?"

"The reports are true, you really are crazy. Well anyway, how about you get a face full of my pumpkin bombs?"

"Goblins throw pumpkins? Since when?" That weirdo loser threw a bomb at me that exploded on impact on my chest. I was sent flying out of the subway car. Then he flew out on a glider and grabbed me. "Goblins ride on gliders?"

"Deadpool, you will never ever fight Spider-man again…not as long as I'm alive." I teleported out of his grip on the floor were you wait for subway cars to come.

"Wait! I don't want to fight that guy ever again! But there is someone who does." I said.

"Who?" He asked.

"I think they call him Typefist or was it Typeface? I don't remember."

"Thanks for the tip."

"No problem." The goblin left and I was walking in the city looking for a place to sleep. "Hey wait a second. I don't want Typefist hurt. I mean Typeface. I have to save him." And just then I wondered…is Typeface my friend? But before I could answer my own inner question I was stabbed by a sharp check mark. "What the hell?"

"Deadpool, Deadpool, Deadpool. My name is Spellcheck!" A man with a check mark on his forehead said. "Let's talk about Typeface."

I pulled the checkmark out from my chest. "I don't want to talk about Typeface! And I am sick of running into Z-list villains! How could anyone even know who the hell Spellcheck is?"

"What?" Spellcheck asked.

"Let me guess, you have a problem with Typeface. He insulted you or something stupid and now you want revenge on him." I said.

"Well, yeah sort of." Spellcheck replied. Then I punched him in the gut.

"You are a loser! I could be a household name but I keep running into losers like you! I'm sick of trying to be killed! I just want a normal homeless life!" I punched him again. I punched him and punched him while I was dishing out insult after insult. "What's your power?"

"I'm a grammar expert."

"Loser!" I kicked him in his special area and punched him in the face. "Did you know that I would survive getting stabbed? HUH?"

"No!" I punched him. I couldn't think of snappy remarks, I didn't pull out any weapons I was just punching and kicking…I was being driven more insane. I COULDN'T TAKE IT!

"THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF I WAS A DC CHRACATER! AAAAHHHH!" I pulled out my guns and fired randomly into the air while Spellcheck was bleeding on the ground. I kept firing until I was out of ammo. But then I saw an explosion and something falling out of the air. It was a guy, it was Typeface.

"Deadpool! The Green Goblin is after me!" He yelled as he was falling.

I snapped out of my crazy for a second and watched Typeface fall towards me. "Mother-"

Next: Hopefully I'll come up with more ideas from now until then.


	11. Typeface Has a Secret

Look at me I'm breaking copyright laws by not having a disclaimer! No wait, that's not good…I didn't create these characters, Marvel did…but I could have.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

The Typeface Saga

(Part 5 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

"Typeface!" I yelled as I saw Typeface falling towards me. If you don't know what I'm talking about check out last chapter.

"Deadpo-" But then he was caught by this crazy Goblin guy on a glider who was angry at him for trying to go after Spider-man, they were fighting. The Goblin dropped a bomb on the alley where I was hanging out…with a Spellcheck guy I just beat up. I grabbed Spellcheck and teleported to a near rooftop.

"Deadpool, I need to talk to you." Spellcheck said.

"Why should I listen to you?" I asked. Then Spellcheck took of his mask. "Oh my god…"

Under his mask, Spellcheck looked just like Typeface. "My name is Gordon Thomas…once upon a time I was known as Typeface."

"Are you his clone or some robot thing?" I asked.

"No…the man you know as Typeface is really a mercenary known as T-ray who steals the identities of other mercenaries he comes in contact with. Am I giving you new information or do you know this already?"

"I didn't know this."

"I stabbed you because I thought you did know it. Look, T-ray stole my letter weapons. We have to team up and stop him. But my injuries are pretty serious and…bomb!" Gordon yelled as he pointed at the sky. One of the Goblin's bombs was heading towards us. I grabbed him and jumped out of the way.

The Goblin flew down to our eye level. "I just heard by Typeface that you hat Spider-man as much as he does."

"Is Typeface alive?" I asked.

"I don't know, I threw him through a window." He replied.

"What is your problem?"

"I don't like people who get in my way."

"Including that innocent hobo you killed in the subway?"

"Come on Deadpool, where are your silly quips and jokes?"

"I'm not in a joking mood!" I lunged at the Goblin. He caught me and flew me over across the New York skyway. I was hanging on for my life which was kind of stupid because I can't die. I punched the Goblin in the face when I finally got my balance on his glider thing.

"Ow! That hurt!" The Goblin said.

"No duh!" I punched him again. "I've been pushed and pushed and pushed until I just couldn't joke anymore. I've had my life threatened too much tonight. I lost my home, my friends and I was lied to again and again! Also, only one guy is reviewing this story!" Seriously guys, review more. "Everyone thought I was just some one-dimensional character who only joked around a lot. But they forgot one thing: I'M ALSO CRAZY!"

"What's your problem?"

I pulled out a sword. "I'm clinically insane!" I stabbed the Goblin.

"AAAAGH!" He screamed. "Aaagh! I have a healing factor, stupid."

"Then this should knock you out for a while." I grabbed the gilder and pulled it down onto a rooftop. Right before the collision I back flipped and teleported away to another rooftop. The glider blew up and the Goblin was knocked unconscious.

Meanwhile, in a nearby building Typeface was getting up after getting thrown through a window by the Goblin. "Damn, that hurt." He said to himself.

"You have no idea." I snuck into the building while he was knocked out and now was standing right in front of him.

"What did Spellcheck say?" Typeface asked.

"Gordon said you stole his identity."

"So you found me out, hooray. I was after Spider-man so I could steal his identity to. But I think I would make a good Deadpool."

"Screw that."

"Whatever, you're just a crazy lunatic anyway." Typeface threw some letters at me, I didn't care what they were, I dodged them all. "And here I thought you were immoral. I mean you kill people without hesitation and then suddenly I see you protecting Spellcheck from pumpkin bombs."

I didn't know how I was supposed to respond to that. I mean for the first time in my life I wasn't joking or insulting people. "What's happening to me?"

"I've seen this before. You see, I do have powers, I'm a mutant. I make people feel different, out of their loop. They get tired of living like they do and then they pass their identities off to me."

"What the hell kind of power is that?"

"One that helps me do my job. You know, I don't think I want to be like you Deadpool. I'll just steal your weapons and be on my way. These letter weapons are so stupid."

"Well, I'm not going out without a fight."

"Whatever." Typeface punched me and then took two "I"s and stabbed me in the kidneys. I couldn't fight back for some reason. I was too busy thinking about all the people I killed and Weasel and Blind Al and I was feeling guilty and then I was knocked out. When I woke up I saw Typeface staring back at me. I was crucified with letters bounding me onto a wall. (Check chapter 7). "You've just paid for your sins my friend." Typeface walked away with my weapons while I was bounded onto a wall.

Time went by. Days went by... until one rainy night when I was approached by a figure in a dark robe and a hood. "Deadpool?" He asked.

"Hello figure in a dark robe, it's been a long time." I said.

"No, it's me Weasel." He took off his hood. "And Blind Al." Blind Al was behind him.

"Oh my god! It's my pony, Weasel! And his saddle, Blind Al!" Me and Weasel decided that Blind Al would be our saddle after she felt left out. Weasel took me down from the wall.

"Did you lose a fight?" Weasel asked.

"Yeah, to a guy I'm going to get my bloody revenge on. Why are you helping me?"

"I can't blame you for what you did to me, Deadpool. I would've done the same thing for Cheesy Puffs." Weasel replied. "Let's get you home."

"Can we play Pony?"

"Yes. But do we have to be in our underwear?"

"Yes." When we got home we played Pony for about eighteen hours (still didn't beat our old record). And then we prepared to get revenge on T-ray.

"There you go Deadpool, these weapons should help you in your fight." Weasel said as he handed me some new and shiny weapons.

"Weasel…I don't know how to say this but I'm scared." I said.

"Apparently you do know how to say that. Why are you scared?"

"T-ray has this piss-poor power that makes me feel funny."

"You mean…down there?"

"No, I feel more emotional and it throws me off balance."

"Ok, I think I know what to do…take these." Weasel gave me a bag of Cheesy Puffs."

"Thanks Weasel." I gave him a fake kiss through my mask. "I'll be back." I teleported away to find T-ray.

Blind Al came into the room to talk to Weasel. "Is that guy gay for you?" Blind Al asked.

"No, I think he's just confused. One time he referred to himself as a girl."

"Not confused, crazy."

"And that's the Deadpool we know and love."

"I wouldn't say love."

Next: Deadpool vs. T-ray vs. Spider-man in the shocking conclusion of the TYPEFACE SAGA.


	12. Final Fight

Look at me I'm breaking copyright laws by not having a disclaimer! No wait, that's not good…I didn't create these characters, Marvel did…but I could have.

Prologue- Diagnosed with cancer after he dropped out of High School, Wade Wilson went to a shady organization that gave him a power to heal from any injury and disease. They also gave him high-tech weapons and a teleportation belt. Now he's out on his own, living in a crappy low-rent apartment in New York as a mercenary for hire. He also knows he's a fictional character, he is…

Wade Wilson, DEADPOOL:

The Typeface Saga

(Part 6 0f 6)

By w00tmaster93

All I ever wanted in my life was to not be a fictional character anymore, I always knew that there was something better out there that I could not reach. For once I just wanted to walk down the street and people call me crazy because I kill people not because I break the fourth wall. But if I lived in the real world would I kill people? I think about that question all the time…except now. Now I just wanted to kill T-Ray for lying to me and crucifying me….he's going to pay.

I searched through the whole city to find T-Ray and I still had his horrifying scent lingering in my mouth. It lead me to a warehouse, the same warehouse where we fought those arms dealers (some chapter I forget!").

"T-RAY!" I yelled as I found him there.

"Who the hell are you?" T-ray replied.

"Deadpool. You crucified me last week, remember?"

"I'm Deadpool."

"No you aren't, I'm Deadpool."

"Wade Wilson?"

"Uh duh."

"I'm Wade Wilson." Wade, I'm mean T-ray said.

"I'M WADE WILSON!"

"Can you do this?" T-Ray teleported all around the room.

"I could have but you stole my teleporter belt." I said.

"THERE YOU ARE!" A man crashed through the window…in red tights.

"Hi Tobey." I said.

"My name isn't Tobey, it's Spider-man and who the hell are you?" Spider-man asked.

"It's me Deadpool. Remember?"

"That's Deadpool." Spider-man pointed at T-Ray. "I've been on his trail for a week and this ends tonight Deadpool!" Spider-man jumped at T-Ray. I hated this, everything bad happens when merchandising empires and trademark characters mistake me for someone else. Like that time I traveled to the DC universe when a teleportation experiment went wrong (never happened). I temporarily paralyzed Robin and had to pose as him for Batman and I had to wear Robin's costume…the pants-less one. I guess that's the origin of pants-less man.

I told that terrible story because the fight between T-Ray and Spider-man was applesauce, I mean boring. Applesauce is boring. But the strange thing was that even though I spent just a few moments with T-Ray he still had all my moves down perfectly. I was thinking about joining in the fight but they were both such A-HOLES that I didn't want to join in. I was thinking about going home but hen I heard some banter between T-Ray and Spider-man.

"Deadpool, you don't understand with great power comes-"

T-Ray punched Spider-man. "A great need to kill people!"

"NO!!!!!" I yelled. I jumped into the fight and tackled T-Ray down. "You mother-wordI'mnotallowedtosaybecausethiscrappyfanfictionisratedTforteen. You can crucify me, steal my weapons, steal my name, and man-handle me but you can never, ever steal my catchphrase!" I threw bombs all over the warehouse, until the whole area was a blazing inferno. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I couldn't stop laughing…until I stopped laughing.

Spider-man was attached the wall parallel to me. "Damn! Maybe you are Deadpool! Oh and by the way, the other Deadpool teleported away."

"Then help me find him mother- wordI'mnotallowedtosaybecausethiscrappyfanfictionisratedTforteen."

"That joke wasn't funny the first time." Spider-man said. He swung me to the roof of the warehouse where T-Ray teleported.

"Oh no." he said when he saw us.

"That had to be the biggest understatement I've ever heard." Spider-man said.

"Ok, ah hell no!" T-Ray revised. Half of his face was burnt and he looked like he was crying.

"That's better." Spider-man said.

I walked up to T-Ray with a gun in my hand. "You…"

"Me…"

"You."

"Me"

"Ok shut up." T-ray kneeled down with his hands clasped together. He didn't even want to hold up a fight.

"Please…don't kill me."

"Why not? How many lives have you ruined." I was about to pull the trigger. "You have my name, my weapons, and my moves but you don't have my healing factor!"

"Stop!" Spider-man grabbed me and threw me against the ground. "Look, I think you are the real Deadpool and I just have one question for you."

"What?"

"How many lives have _you_ ruined?" Spider-man asked.

"…what?"

"This guy steals identities, right?"

"Yeah."

"You kill people…for fun! Tell me what you think is worse." I kill fictional characters, not real people. That one line that Spider-man said hit me. I wouldn't kill people if they weren't fictional...why should I kill them if they are? What's stopping people reading this story from getting a gun and doing what I do because they think it's cool or funny?

"…the killing…the killing is far worse. But I guess that's why I'm not a merchandising empire and you are…hey wait a second I'm feeling sappy and dramatic!" I looked at T-Ray. "Damn, you really do make people feel different.

"Yeah…can I go to jail now?" T-Ray asked.

"Yeah." Spider-man replied.

T-Ray looked at me, "Hey Deadpool!"

"Yeah?"

"I gave up fighting because I'm scared of you, and not a lot of things scare me. I also don't have any powers."

"What?"

Spider-man grabbed T-Ray in some webbing. "Think about what I said Deadpool." He swung away with T-Ray, leaving me to think about where I stand in life…by myself. Just then my cell phone rang, it was Weasel.

"Deadpool!" Weasel said.

"Yeah?"

"We just found out something about your past, come over quickly!"

Next: Less sappy emotional moral against-killing crappy Deadpool!


End file.
